ROTFL

This open letter was circulated around my area today. Did some research and found her blogsite....enjoy! http://wendi-aarons.blogspot.com/2007/03/as-seen-on-mcsweeneysnet.html

Open Letter to Mr. James Thatcher, Product Manager, Proctor and Gamble.

Dr. Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads b e aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps, Crazy!The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fr**king kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

World Peace - Cartoon Style

A Poem Remembered

This poem by Billy Collins came to mind last night as I walked upstairs and stood in the middle of my bedroom....trying to remember why I went there.

Only after retracing my steps back downstairs and standing in the middle of the kitchen did I remember I went upstairs to find my glass....argh! Getting older sucks!


Forgetfulness

The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read,
never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

Billy Collins

Sunshine, Birds & Cooper

Like many other people around the country, I take time out each week to gather data for the Cornell Laboratory Bird Count. This involves watching my yard for 30 minutes and counting the number and types of birds which visit my feeders.

Today was amusing..... As I sat listening to about 100 American Sparrows snuttering and enjoying the sunshine in my blue spruce (see picture above), all of a sudden there was silence. That can only mean one thing .... hawk! (see second / third picture).





This hawk has been in our neighborhood for about four years. He first visited when he was a fledgling and it was hilarious to watch him learn to hunt. He would swoop down from the tree and attempt to dive feet first into the blue spruce after sparrows or mourning doves. One afternoon, he attempted seven dives before he caught dinner! Now he almost always 'gets his bird'.

We find it humorous to hear others talk about trying to keep hawks away from their bird feeders. In the majority of instances, Cooper takes out the slower birds and only once have I seen him take out a 'favorite' of mine (i.e. cardinal, blue jay, house sparrow, woodpecker, etc.)